By the time you read this column, President Obama will have already made his annual State Of The Union address. The speech is being called a pivotal one for the president, because… uh… well… his party lost? The economy still sucks? He already has to start campaigning for 2012 in case the world doesn’t end?

Clearly there are a number of reasons this speech matters, though one imagines that whole “need to get reelected” thing is a biggie—not that, if the president were to say “screw it, get someone else in here,” he could really be blamed—his mere election was enough to incite a whole right wing movement whose entire purpose seems to be “show up, be ignorant.” I might say screw it at that point too.

In that spirit, I present to you this short list of things Barrack Obama, in all likelihood, will not say at the 2011 State Of The Union:

  • “Seriously, go fuck yourselves.”
  • “Everyone who cries socialism every time the government farts while also benefitting off Medicaid and social security is an asshole.”
  • “Dear American working and middle class: Stop voting against your interests. You’re never going to be the kind of rich asshole you’re trying to protect, and you’re only dicking yourself over in the meantime, so knock it off.”
  • “You can find my birth certificate in the Hawaii office of records. It’s filed in the ‘Secret Muslims’ drawer.”
  • “Here are several binding executive orders I’m issuing to big businesses in the name of protecting the American public from the rampant corporate greed that has been the root cause of our fiscal collapse.”
  • “Did you guys see the new Tron? Man, that thing was great. It was all like, ‘Whoosh! Wham! Zoom!”
  • “John Boehner is a weeping orange douche and I hope he falls down a flight of stairs.”
  • “Anyone remember the night I got elected when I said things would take time and a lot of work to get done? Anybody? No, clearly not.”
  • “Thanks for not being a bunch of racist motherfuckers for the last two years. Oh wait.”

I could go on, but then this would be a Top 10 list, and I’m pretty sure once you do that you have to pay royalties to somebody. I’d hate to offend whoever owns the copyright on numbers.

As you’re watching highlights from the speech this week (because I’m pretty sure no one other than my wife will actually tune in for the whole thing), keep the above in mind. Perhaps they’re not the most presidential things a guy in a suit could read off a teleprompter, but maybe if someone buckled down and said what they were really thinking while also holding elected office, the public at large wouldn’t feel so disenfranchised from the process. Or more likely, they would anyway, but for different reasons.

Whatever. At least the bullshit sounds good when it comes out of his mouth.

Get a job, hippie,

JJ Koczan

jj@theaquarian.com

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