Since tomorrow is Independence Day, I thought I’d take a moment out to honor my favorite of all the oft-touted American freedoms: The first one—Freedom of Speech.

Think of it, short of yelling “Fire!” in a crowded theater, you can pretty much say any dumbassed thing you want at any time, wherever, to whomever, whenever. Free to be as stupid as you’re willing to be, as loudly as you want to be. What an idea! What a country!

My appreciation for free speech—let’s just cut it short and go with “Freech”—was renewed this past week, after the Supreme Court delivered its one-two punch of disappointment and awesomeness, gutting the Voting Rights Act and striking out key parts of the Defense Of Marriage Act on successive days while barely giving the country time to recover from one before moving onto the next.

In the decision to gut the Voting Rights Act, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote that America’s views on racism had changed and so the law needed likewise to reflect the times. A new Voting Rights Act will probably be passed, but in the meantime, John Roberts made a specific effort to show via Freech that he has no idea how race relations are in the country today.

Likewise, in his dissent to the decision to strike out DOMA in U.S. v. Windsor, Justice Antonin Scalia used the phrase “argle-bargle” to bolster his definitely-not-separate-but-equal-type “we gotsta defend marriage from these queers” opinion, showing via Freech that not only is he ignorant as shit and a bigoted asshole, but that he knows the stuff good memes are made from. Namely in this case, they’re made from argle-bargle.

Freech is my favorite freedom because thanks to Freech, it’s super-easy to identify who in any given situation has their head so far up their ass they could wear their intestines for a hat. All you have to do is listen for about five seconds and, make no mistake, the morons and the assholes will line up to reveal themselves.

This is so convenient it almost hurts (my head), and infinitely useful in heated discussions. For example, let’s say you’re talking to somebody who starts out their portion of the conversation by saying, “I’m not a racist, but…” and then follows immediately with—of course—something racist.

Thanks to Freech, you can go, “Hey buddy, that’s actually ignorant as shit, and 100 percent contrary to your prior assertion that you were not, in fact, a racist. Racist.”

And when they get pissed off and start to claim that you’re hindering their Freech by not letting them be racist, thanks once again to that same Freech, you can then remind this other person with whom you’ve probably just been sucked into a conversation at a party or some such social gathering that you did not at all restrict their saying or their right to say the ignorant-as-shit thing they just said, but that you were honoring their Freech and their right to say it by exercising your own right to call them out on their shitty ignorance.

See how this works?

The Right to Bear Arms isn’t gonna save you when the flying death robots come. Not quartering soldiers? I’ve been paying taxes for over a decade to support wars I don’t believe in; tell me more about how I don’t quarter soldiers. Religion? Hell, that’s what started the wars in the first place. No way. It’s Freech for my favorite hands down, and as we roll into what I’m sure will be another falling-down-drunk, hands-blown-off-by-fireworks Fourth Of July, I couldn’t feel more privileged than I do to put my Freech to the best use possible and say that I still think we’re all screwed. And not in the good way.

JJ Koczan

jj@theaquarian.com

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