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Deleted Scenes: Monkey Hands

Stop me if I’ve told you this before, but there’s a tiny monkey that lives inside my head. In the spot where most people have a brain, I have a very small monkey. He wears a tiny little hat (why not?) and has b...
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Deleted Scenes: An Open Letter

To all the nations on this earth: America does not care about you. Your sovereignty, your rights, the fact that you exist and are the same species as its inhabitants. You simply do not matter. Maybe Ameri...
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Deleted Scenes: Think First

My wife and I were in the process of making dinner. Not a fancy meal: Some baked potatoes, a couple sausages (veggie for her, chicken for me). Pretty standard. To give you some idea, the potatoes were a treat. ...
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Deleted Scenes: The Couch

Every family has its symbols, its emblems. Whether they’re emblazoned on a crest on Game Of Thrones—the lions, stags, and so on—or whether there’s just an image that comes to your mind when you close your eyes,...
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Deleted Scenes: Chris Christie Is A Dick

Hey, here’s a shocker for you: Chris Christie is a dick. If you’ve been paying even the remotest attention over the last several years and checked into anything he’s done other than the Hurricane Sandy recovery...
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Deleted Scenes: Beware The Lizardmen

My eyes were opened recently to a notion I’ve been unable to get out of my head. In adulthood, I’ve never been a religious person of any sort—if devout to anything, it’s nonbelief. Not a person of faith. But th...
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Deleted Scenes: Distance

My wife and I recently moved so she could start a new job. It’s the first time since I’ve been conscious enough to know where I am that I haven’t. That is to say, the first time I’ve ever lived somewhere that w...