Oh hi! Come right in. I’m guessing you saw the house on Zillow? Isn’t the future great? Well, this is it. What’s that? Yes, I know we only put two pictures of the exterior online, and that they were taken from down the street and out of focus, but that’s just because we wanted to make sure you got to see this fantastic house’s personality up close and personal! Haha, I just said “personality” and “personal!” Isn’t that weird?

As you can see from the kitchen as you walk in, it’s a real classic design. The previous owner had a real thing for the 1800s, so there’s a potbelly stove but no microwave, and its only lighting comes from the torch hanging upside down from the ceiling. Yes, there’s some soot on the ceiling as a result, but doesn’t that just add to the décor? I think it looks glamorous! And did you know cockroaches have been alive since there were dinosaurs? It’s like you’re living with history!

Let’s go down to the basement! It’s very roomy as you can tell, and the ceiling is a sprawling five feet high with rusty floorboard nails coming through for that authentic sense of adventure! It’s like you’re in a tiny cave. The wood crumbles on the floor? Oh that’s just termites. Those markings on the floorboards—oh, watch that nail!—look just like hieroglyphics! The adventure continues!

Yes, you can hear running water, and as I shine my flashlight in the corner, you can see the basement comes with its own real working waterfall! It’s all natural coming from the rustic pipes above. What’s that? Rusted? Aren’t they really the same thing when you think about it? I think so! Oh and that water goes right to the foundation right next to the septic—which is original to the house which was built in 1929—so you don’t have to think about it ever again.

Are you going to have kids? Did you know there are over 200,000 species of mold spores in the world today? I know, that’s amazing! Six new ones have been found right here on this property! You could have little scientists in the cellar, at least until they get too tall to come down! Wouldn’t that be fun? It really is a fun house.

A bonus for the basement is this room over here. It has no windows, and reinforced drywall walls with a door and seven deadbolts. You can see the owner has a dirty mattress on the floor, so we are counting this as one of the two bedrooms, and that bucket in the corner is officially a half-bath! Some people think it’s creepy, especially with those stains on the wall and scratch marks on the door, but I think it’s just more fun in this unique property!

I’ll be honest, the roof needs some work, but the natural lighting in the meantime is great. And can’t you just feel the wind coming through the living room? Who doesn’t like a breeze in the evening? What’s that? What’s under the rug? You know, I never looked! The front door comes with extra locks on it because the Cumberland Farms next door has been robbed six times in the last nine months, and if you smell chemicals burning from the other side, that’s just the neighbors.

So what do you think? Remember, even though it says online that the house has been on the market for 600-plus days, we have had multiple offers over the asking price this week, so if you want to get in here—and how could you not, am I right?—you’re going to want to put in a deposit right away. What’s that? A check? No, I’m sorry, it’s cash-only at this time. Don’t want to get bogged down by all that paperwork!

Hmm? The bedroom and bathroom? Oh, you don’t need to see those! Who wants to look at toilets anyway? And I don’t know about you, but I actually prefer cold showers to hot ones! I think I read in a magazine they’re better for you!

You want to go back and think about it? Well, don’t think too hard, because this one’s gonna go fast! I know we’ve only known each other for about 15 minutes, but I think there’s a real connection here and as your friend, I would love to see you take advantage of this fantastic opportunity! Don’t let it get away!

JJ Koczan


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