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Deleted Scenes: The Ass The Door Hit

Cliché has it that in print, you never get a goodbye issue. I believe it’s emblematic of the exceptional nature of The Aquarian that this is my second. This paper has been and continues to be something special....
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Deleted Scenes: Out Of Body

I had a vision today at the grocery store. My wife and I stood waiting at the self-checkout while a woman finagled with one of the dead-eyed teens working at the Stop And Shop for when she should put her cou...
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Deleted Scenes: Miracles

At press time, it’s not really known what happened to the Malaysia Airlines jet that disappeared carrying 239 people en route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing this past weekend, whether it was sabotage, some kind o...
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Deleted Scenes: The War Boner

Notice that lump in the dialectic’s pants this week? Yeah, that’s the war boner. It pokes up every time there’s a chance World War III might break out. I’m pretty sure with this Russia/Crimea thing, CNN’s war b...
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Deleted Scenes: Amid Shenanigans

I’ll make this as brief as I can. As I write, it’s just after two in the morning on a Sunday night, and I am in Portland, Oregon, traveling with a band who played tonight at the Hawthorne Theatre here. It wa...
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Deleted Scenes: Your Passion

I got hit up today by a freelance cartoonist looking to have his work published and gave him the standard answer: “I’d love to, but we can’t pay you. Sorry.” The apology on my part was sincere, and I dug his wo...
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Deleted Scenes: Anonymity

On my work desktop are Aquarian tearsheets that go back to August 2004. They rest in case they’re ever needed—the ones that old almost never are—on a hard drive that has 869.86 gigabytes of a total 1 terabyte f...
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Deleted Scenes: Cliché Kills Again

If you’re hip and media savvy enough to read The Aquarian—which is pretty hip and media savvy in my eyes, let alone of good taste—then you’re probably already aware of who Philip Seymour Hoffman was, and alread...
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Deleted Scenes: House-Hunting

We were in the car last week when my poor, long-suffering wife asked me, “So, are you excited to go house-hunting this weekend?” It is a personality deficiency on my part that I cannot be dishonest in these ...