Deleted Scenes: The Ass The Door Hit

Cliché has it that in print, you never get a goodbye issue. I believe it’s emblematic of the exceptional nature of The Aquarian that this is my second. This paper has been and continues to be something special. I’m sorry to be leaving it.

When I came back as Managing …

by   |  03/26/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: The Ass The Door Hit

Deleted Scenes: Out Of Body

I had a vision today at the grocery store.

My wife and I stood waiting at the self-checkout while a woman finagled with one of the dead-eyed teens working at the Stop And Shop for when she should put her coupon in, and it was like you hear people who’ve …

by   |  03/19/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: Out Of Body

Deleted Scenes: Miracles

At press time, it’s not really known what happened to the Malaysia Airlines jet that disappeared carrying 239 people en route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing this past weekend, whether it was sabotage, some kind of pilot error, or what. One minute there was a plane and then there was …

by   |  03/12/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: Miracles

Deleted Scenes: The War Boner

Notice that lump in the dialectic’s pants this week? Yeah, that’s the war boner. It pokes up every time there’s a chance World War III might break out. I’m pretty sure with this Russia/Crimea thing, CNN’s war boner alone can be seen from space. Megaboner.

Also: Boner.

Ha.

This probably …

by   |  03/05/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: The War Boner

Deleted Scenes: Amid Shenanigans

I’ll make this as brief as I can.

As I write, it’s just after two in the morning on a Sunday night, and I am in Portland, Oregon, traveling with a band who played tonight at the Hawthorne Theatre here. It was a good show. Afterwards, groupthink led to a …

by   |  02/26/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: Amid Shenanigans

Deleted Scenes: Your Passion

I got hit up today by a freelance cartoonist looking to have his work published and gave him the standard answer: “I’d love to, but we can’t pay you. Sorry.” The apology on my part was sincere, and I dug his work, so I thought having him in the paper …

by   |  02/19/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: Your Passion

Deleted Scenes: Anonymity

On my work desktop are Aquarian tearsheets that go back to August 2004. They rest in case they’re ever needed—the ones that old almost never are—on a hard drive that has 869.86 gigabytes of a total 1 terabyte free. Those are humbling numbers.

At this point, in capacity either as …

by   |  02/12/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: Anonymity

Deleted Scenes: Cliché Kills Again

If you’re hip and media savvy enough to read The Aquarian—which is pretty hip and media savvy in my eyes, let alone of good taste—then you’re probably already aware of who Philip Seymour Hoffman was, and already aware as well of the fact that he died this past weekend, …

by   |  02/05/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: Cliché Kills Again

Deleted Scenes: You Won’t Believe What This Week’s Deleted Scenes Is About!

This cynical alt-weekly editor sat down to write a column about headlines… He never could’ve guessed what was coming…

 

The brilliant webcomic XKCD not too long ago did a word-cartoon titled “20th Century Headlines Rewritten To Get More Clicks,” and because I think it most succinctly gives the perspective …

by   |  01/29/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: You Won’t Believe What This Week’s Deleted Scenes Is About!

Deleted Scenes: House-Hunting

We were in the car last week when my poor, long-suffering wife asked me, “So, are you excited to go house-hunting this weekend?”

It is a personality deficiency on my part that I cannot be dishonest in these situations. Can’t just say, “Yeah, it’s been a few months since the …

by   |  01/22/2014  |  Comments Off on Deleted Scenes: House-Hunting


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