Deleted Scenes: Leaked Memos From The Editorial Dept.

Leaked Memos From The Editorial Dept.

In honor of the recent controversy-stirring US diplomatic memos that made their way to the public via WikiLeaks, covering such topics as China’s propensity for screwing with other people’s computers and Saudi Arabia urging us to take out Iran (I’m sorry, is this crap news to anyone?), I thought it would be only fair to come clean on a number of documents from The Aquarian editorial department that may also cause some foreign policy unrest. That, or it’s just a bunch of crap I made up before deadline. Either way, should be fun.

Before you see it online, here are all of our state secrets:

* I never learned how to read or write.

* There’s an emergency bottle of rum taped to the underside of my desk, just in case.

* Your emo hair is stupid.

* New metal is garbage, new punk is garbage, indie is garbage and fuck off.

* Nobody reads print mags anymore.

* The only reason Spotlights exist is to placate publicists.

* If there was any justice in the universe, Crowbar would be on the cover of this issue.

* Even in this supposedly controversial column, I’m too much of a wuss to talk shit about people who advertise with us.

* Most of the albums that come in for review never get listened to.

* I think less of people who download music, legally or not.

* I use the office printer for homework.

* I’ve ALWAYS hated the holiday gift guide.

* I’m only in it for the shish kebab.

Whew. Probably best to stop there, as things were just about to get seriously psychological and/or confessional. I’m sure the fallout from these shocking, startling revelations will be devastating to my administration, but what the hell, the truth must be told. Just like the government, you can rest assured that no lessons will be learned, no policies will be changed and that, yes, I will indeed still use the office printer for my homework. I’ll probably keep swiping paperclips too. Because, fuck it, I can.

Did someone say shish kebab?

JJ Koczan