Deleted Scenes: How Will It End

By the time this issue goes to press tomorrow (Monday, 08/22) afternoon, in all likelihood Moammar Gadhafi’s regime in Libya will have fallen to rebel fighters. As I sit here and type this, I’ve got all the extensive Aquarian Weekly news resources providing me up-to-the-minute information, and by that I mean I’m watching CNN in my boxers and clicking “refresh” on the BBC’s website. History, as it does every day, is unfolding before our tired eyes.

But, you know, right now, I have no idea how this thing is going to play out. Sure, it seems like the Libyan rebels (carrying guns that look awfully American) are on the triumphant march into Tripoli, the country’s capital, and that soon they’ll have to undertake the work of setting up a government, but I don’t actually know that. Gadhafi is their main target, absolutely, but no one’s certain where he is at this point, and no one knows what they might find when they enter whichever palace/compound they think he’s in.

Except for me.

Well, okay, maybe not, but as this whole situation is pretty much unfolding live as I type this and there’s nothing to do but sit and wait to see what happens, I thought it might be interesting to take a look at some of the infinite possibilities. Let’s do the obvious ones first.

1. He’s there.

2. He’s somewhere else.

Either proves fascinating, frankly, but I think we can do even better. Here are a couple more outcomes that would make for an even more enthralling news cycle:

3. Libyan rebels break into Gadhafi’s palace and approach the embattled leader’s chambers and find him sitting in a chair. One brave freedom fighter moves forward to compel the leader to leave and be taken into custody, only to find that Moammar Gadhafi is a robot who’s been trying to quash this rebellion for months in an effort to show the world that machines have feelings too. That even they… can… love. No report ever surfaces on what one has to do with the other.

4. Libyan rebels break into Gadhafi’s palace and find Saddam Hussein, proving once and for all that Americans were right not to know the difference between the two dictators.

5. Gadhafi’s on the can, and everyone has to wait for him to finish before taking him in.

6. Disgraced and ousted from his seat of power, Moammar Gadhafi decides to go a different route with his career and becomes a commentator on Fox News. He then paints his face on the side of a Greyhound and goes on a bus tour of America, touting pseudo-populist slogans and disdain for intellectuals. To everyone’s surprise, he wins the 2012 Republican presidential nomination as a write-in candidate, gently edging out Rush Limbaugh, Ronald Reagan and the Green Goblin.

7. When rebels enter the palace, Gadhafi lures them into a large hall where he sits at one end. As they approach, he presses a button at the side of his chair and the entire group of rebels present falls into a pit and is eaten by the Rancor. Gadhafi repeats this process for every group of rebels that comes near him, and keeps his position as head of the country.

8. Gadhafi is brought up on the same war crimes charges everyone gets brought up on, but beats the rap and makes an appearance at the 2012 Gathering Of The Juggalos, where he is drenched in Faygo and celebrated with many bong hits.

9. The single worst reality show the E! channel ever aired.

Whatever happens, the reason moments like this are so exciting—the reason it was so exciting in Egypt earlier this year—is because they’re like the gas clouds that birth stars. There’s so much potential in them, and while they usually just lead to new dictatorial regimes, oppression and more shitting on the shit-on, it’s the chance for something different that keeps revolution worthwhile.

Here’s hoping,

JJ Koczan