Deleted Scenes: This Thing

This thing will change your life.

You’ve seen other things like it, but this thing is different than all of them. This thing is the Real Deal. It’s like no other thing.

This thing is the new, the latest, the fastest, the biggest, the smallest, the sexiest. It’s the one, the it, the way and the light. It is thinner, brighter, smarter, harder than ever. It is any and every.

It has a million uses and excels in all trials. It is brave and virtuous. It is manly and womanly. It branches, expands and contracts for easy storage. It is already a part of you.

This thing is your seasonal must-have. It’s must-see, must-do, must-own and is guaranteed to last a lifetime. It comes in colors the human eye can’t even perceive, and is the result of years of down-home scientific research.

Time has led to this thing. It was sent to us by God. It will make you a better person. Better looking, even. It will clear up all your troublesome acne, and remove the scars both on your skin and your psyche. All stains bow before it.

It cures baldness, and boldness in children. It fixes cracks, attaches to doorways, creates an airtight seal and is 100 percent impenetrable. It will not be stopped and it will never negotiate with terrorists.

This thing will get you laid, guaranteed. Lose weight, build muscle mass, stay warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Block out that troubling sunshine. Care for your elderly parents or grandparents. Change diapers big and small.

It is perfect for every home, fills any crevice physical or metaphorical and is the only path to complete fulfillment. It is concrete and it is biodegradable, all natural, organic and pasture-bred, grain fed and cage free.

It offers comfort where you have none. It washes your car and your dishes and your windows to a streak-free shine and removes any and all traces of fecal matter from your bathroom. It watches you while you sleep and keeps you safe in the darkness of night. It magnetically attracts dust and purifies the air around it.

It has a camera, a light sensor, a flash and a 36x optical zoom. It is celebrity endorsed and offered at a bargain price so low that lives have been put in danger just to bring it to you. The threat is real, but not as real as this thing.

This thing has made a sacrifice to keep you free. It has been the cornerstone of every right-thinking life since the days of our founding fathers. It is solar-powered, runs on ethanol, drills for fossil fuels here and now. It is the media and the media. It is your ideology brought to life.

It can’t help but agree with you because it knows how right you are. It wants to help you be the person you’ve always known you can be. It is hope, and springtime freshness, and the end that justifies the means. It is benevolent and creative and all-seeing and it only wants what’s best for you. It knows you deserve it.

Call now and we’ll double your order.

JJ Koczan