What It Do: Big Bird Must Die

The first presidential debate changed everything. Whereas I used to view Mitt Romney as a shallow, arrogant corporate raider seeking to eradicate what little protection existed for the non-wealthy, I now understand that he is Ronald Reagan resurrected and sent to defend Medicare from the evil liberals who want to destroy it.

Whereas I previously thought that the economic struggles our nation is experiencing were incubated through decades of unsustainable economic policy, I now understand that it is all Obama’s doing—especially the parts that happened before he was elected. And since he’s had a full three years to address over 30 years of economic mismanagement, and has thus far failed to produce a golden age of prosperity, it clearly means his policies aren’t working.

Whereas I previously believed that a strong economy exists when people at large are able make money and spend it with businesses—who then hire people who make money and spend it with businesses—I now understand that a strong economy happens when Donald Trump pays a lower marginal tax rate and can afford to desecrate the New York skyline with another hideous monstrosity. In addition, I now understand that Donald Trump is a small business.

Whereas I previously thought that arithmetic was the foundation of mathematics and essential to any sort of economic analysis, I now understand that numbers are like the pirate code—more of a guideline than a set of rules. So if you cut taxes by 20 percent across the board, and that equates to $5 trillion in lost revenue, you don’t have to worry about the deficits because freedom isn’t free.

And whereas I previously viewed the private insurance industry as a glorified protection racket, harvesting profits from an inherently unprofitable enterprise—providing care to sick people who would not be able to afford the expense out-of-pocket—I now comprehend that they are benevolent innovators, and the only thing holding them back from providing affordable coverage to all Americans is the regulatory beast of the federal government.

For that matter, whereas I previously understood the economic crisis of 2008 was caused by the amoral, greed-is-good culture on Wall Street—and the staggeringly irresponsible risks that were taken as a result—I can now see that the problem was the meddling hand of the government. If only those stalwart captains of finance had been allowed to unleash their full creativity, they would have devised even more complex financial instruments that no human being could possibly understand, which would have fixed the problem caused by financial instruments that no human being could possibly understand.

See, I used to believe in logic and nuance. I used to think we live in an incredibly complex world, and that our leaders must be ready and able to deal with the vast grey areas that are part and parcel of 21st century reality. I used to be a mushy-headed fool.

Now, thanks to the vibrant debate performance of Mitt Romney, I am seeing things so much more clearly. And I know who to blame for my previous state of ignorance.

I blame Big Bird.

All those childhood hours spent sitting on the living room floor, watching Sesame Street. I wasn’t being introduced to mathematical, scientific, and social concepts that would prepare me to grow and learn as a human being. No, I was being indoctrinated by a big, yellow agent of China. I was having my head filled with propaganda that would only serve to prevent me from seeing the true nature of things.

Of course, there may be an alternate perspective. Perhaps Romney’s admittedly impressive confidence and energy during the debate was a result of the fact that the vast majority of the words exiting his mouth were unadulterated bullshit. Bullshit designed by the best bullshit artists available for hire, and practiced for months.

Perhaps our current economic situation took much longer than three years to create, and it will take longer than three years to address. Not to mention the possibility that President Obama may have been able to do more to address it if he wasn’t constrained by an opposition party who would rather extend the recession than let Obama take credit for a recovery.

See what just happened? Even now, the lies and manipulation of Big Bird infect my mind.

I am so grateful that we will soon have a president who understands the grave threat posed by this avian infiltrator, and who will cut off the flow of Chinese propaganda money funding the evil yellow one’s nefarious schemes. My only concern is that future President Romney won’t go far enough. Big Bird must not only be stopped. He must be made an example of.

I propose a public de-feathering, followed by permanent exile to an undisclosed island populated by cybernetic cats. This way, when future generations of children are busying themselves digging through trash heaps for food and scrap metal—when they aren’t working, that is—they will not have to suffer the indignity of having their minds filled with knowledge and curiosity.

All hail to future President Romney for causing the scales to fall from my blind eyes.