Dear White People:
You are the worst. Ever. Ever.
A plague on the idea of culture.
The rats gnawing at the feet of human progress, crippling the march before it can begin.
The. Worst. Ever.
From Louisiana launching a petition to secede from the union—k bye!—to the fact that 62 percent of white men voted for a Mitt Frickin’ Romney, to each and every ignorant-ass Wonderbread-looking motherfucker using the n-word on Twitter as the results came in. There isn’t shame enough in the world for how fucking ashamed white people should be after this election.
I said it last week and I’ll say it again, if you voted for Mitt Romney, you’re a racist. Plain and simple, and even if you cloak in some small-government, trust-the-free-market, big-military-big-business, don’t-take-my-guns-or-Jesus nonsense, somewhere in there, there’s racism. You probably just haven’t looked hard enough for it, because, well, you’re white, and white people are the worst.
Let me be clear: I’m not implying that you’re a racist because you didn’t vote for Barack Obama. I’m saying flat out you’re a racist because you voted for Mitt Romney. I didn’t vote for the incumbent either (Peta Lindsay, if you must know), and I’m the crunchiest cracker in the box. But if you voted for Mitt Romney—specifically for him—you’re a racist. Because in the face of social and political forward motion, you chose flavorless ice cream instead because you’re scared that the big black man is gonna come steal your white daughters in the night, or that god fucking forbid anyone else in this country should be given the same leg-up your white ass was, so that we can finally see that it wasn’t just the fact that white men work harder than everybody else (as they’ve long suggested) that leads to their success, but instead that the socioeconomic sphere of this country and its governmental system were setup as a profit-trough for white landowners. Fuck you, white people. Fuck you all the time, every day, forever.
If you said Mitt Romney understood business better, you’re a racist. Or if you trusted him more, you’re a racist. And listening to your fucking whining after the fact has been like watching a needle jabbed into the center of a pus-filled boil. For eight years, George W. Bush stuck his miniscule white dick in the asshole of this country’s international reputation and domestic economy. You can’t possibly believe that hiring the same band of goons and giving Mitt Romney rein to pay back all the billionaires who would’ve put him in the White House by rolling back civil rights could possibly be a better option than four more years of the dude who killed Bin Laden, ended the Iraq War, saved the auto industry, repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, passed comprehensive healthcare reform and—oh, look! He just made you toast right now. Fresh hot toast. With jam.
That’s what Barack Obama does for you, white people. He brings you fresh hot toast with jam, because he knows how much you like it. And your only-been-150-years-since-slavery-ended-brains can’t get over the bullshit your great-grandparents used to say about black folk, and here we are, with your moaning about socialism as if every other word out of your mouth wasn’t just code for, “Hey can we please get rid of all these minorities and go back to like it was when white people ran everything”—as if (1.) you still don’t, and (2.) white American dominant culture is somehow the pinnacle achievement of human civilization. Chinese peasants 3,000 years ago were better off than your just-got-an-iPhone-5 ass. You know why? Because they hadn’t met any white people yet.
This election was a fucking abomination, and all it showed was that on one side, you have monumental achievements like the first openly gay Senator being selected for office, the first passing of gay marriage by popular referendum, the legalization of marijuana for recreational use and, yes, the re-election of President Obama by a margin of 130 electoral college votes, and then on the other, you have the white people, bitching and moaning about it. Ted Nugent shitting his pants shouting out conservative buzzwords like he has any understanding of anything beyond the solo to “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.” Karl Rove being Karl Rove. Terrible.
All the white paranoia about losing the stranglehold on the culture? The demise of “White America?” The day when white people no longer have majority power in the country they—or at very least the slaves they whipped—built? We should be so fucking lucky.