It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. There are big countries and small countries, rich and poor, those with long democratic traditions and those still finding their way to democracy. Their policies differ, too. We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord’s blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal.

—Vladimir Putin, President of Russia (NY Times 9/11/13)

 

Ahhh…ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…ooohh, hee-hee – ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (choke) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (snort) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…uhhhhh…ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…oooh, holy shit…ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…wait a minute, I… ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…Whew.

Oh, man that’s precious. Fantastic. Classic shit.

I have to say, despite his complete disregard for human and civil rights, his lifelong dedication to a godless Soviet regime, and his phalanx of shirtless macho propaganda photos displaying him in an Alexander the Great kind of glow, this Vladimir Putin character is hilariously poignant whilst discussing the democratic ideals of other nations.

I stand in awe of his complete command of irony.

I have never written such blasphemy before, but this masterpiece he sent to press this week is more scathingly witty than the best of Lenny Bruce.

That’s right. I evoked Saint Lenny on this one.

Now, most likely, Putin wrote none of his op-ed piece in the NY Times; a quasi-Son of Sam plea for sanity for those not possessing the sensitive yearnings of a maniac. I’ve read Russian translations of his rhetorical skills, and it is dubious this yammering brute could formulate anything resembling a monosyllabic Rambo-esque soliloquy “Unless they’ve been me, unless they’ve been there” type of grunt, much less this masterpiece. But the quintessence of the man was there, inside every word.

For the best example of this kind of manic stream-of-consciousness, one has to randomly stab one’s finger to a passage in any James Joyce or even those wonderfully crafted zig-zags through fog-addled logic Charles Manson saves for his endless parade of parole hearings. You know; “Your discarded children in garbage cans” stuff. Timeless comedy.

In essence, Putin’s brilliant satirizing of his own shortcomings as a serviceable human specimen, never mind witless leader of a flat-lined series of disparate states wallowing in the fading mist of Russia’s sad century-long attempt to try and keep up with the massive money–machine military lunacy of the United States, rings many bells; hypocrisy, disillusionment, condescension, and petty exhibitionist solipsism.

Take it from me, this ain’t easy to do.

This 1,068-word fucker was a whiz-bang. I wish I had written it. Worthy of Mailer; not Norman Mailer, I mean this guy Nick Mailer who cleans my gutters ever spring.

My favorite part was all the peacemaking. I love how Putin tactically weaved his “Look, ma, I didn’t shit my pants for the first time in six months, can I have a loli?” prose into the thing. How he’s stepping in and getting rid of weapons he supplied to another Middle Eastern thug and taking care of the business he should have taken care of two years ago. The whole Syrian mess, for which he uses as a metaphor to eviscerate the U.S. as a power-mad global puppet master, is tantamount to dumping your incorrigible little brat on the neighbors and after he has all but burned down their house, you step in and say, “Sheesh, you people don’t know what you’re doing, I’ll take it from here. And, by the way, you’re welcome!”

It is beautifully done. I hope the envy I feel for this budding word master is seeping through my effusive praise.

I could only add that if Pussy Riot, the all-girl Russian punk band Putin has seen fit to jail for two years for singing lyrics like “Virgin Mary, Mother of God, put Putin away,
put Putin away, put Putin away/The head of the KGB, their chief saint,
leads protesters to prison under escort/The phantom of liberty is in heaven,
gay-pride sent to Siberia in chains” could speak freely today from their prison cells, they would applaud the strong anti-imperialist rant their president sent to an American newspaper.

And if all the homosexuals Putin is deporting and jailing and signing laws to strip them of rights could read this moving testament to “all men being created equal in the eyes of God,” I am sure they would raise a defiant fist with him.

All hail, the scribe, Vladimir Putin; never has self-flagellation sounded so goddamn funny.

Bravo.

Now, if he truly thinks he’s a better jackass than me, let’s see him pull it off weekly.
Do yourself no favors and “like” this idiot at www.facebook.com/jc.author

James Campion is the Managing Editor of the Reality Check News & Information Desk and the author of “Deep Tank Jersey”, “Fear No Art”, “Trailing Jesus”, “Midnight for Cinderella”, and “Y”.

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