Deleted Scenes: Chris Christie Is A Dick

Hey, here’s a shocker for you: Chris Christie is a dick. If you’ve been paying even the remotest attention over the last several years and checked into anything he’s done other than the Hurricane Sandy recovery, you already knew this. And even that one act of relative-undickishness did not undo years of piled up dickery. He’s got a cache of been-a-dick enough for decades’ worth of category three storms. He’s a monumental dick. Don’t believe me? Ask a teacher.

Last week, when a New Jersey court put two and two together and ruled that since the Supreme Court said gay marriage was constitutional and NJ is in the union and thus under the jurisdiction of said constitution, therefore gay marriage should be legal in NJ, our governor was presented with a momentous opportunity. A rare opportunity. An opportunity to not be a dick.

That’s right. He could’ve said, “Well, the court has spoken, this is clearly the way society is progressing and though it’s not in line with my personal beliefs, I have to acknowledge that this is something the majority of my constituents support and as a representative of the people, I forsake my right to appeal and let the ruling stand.” Obviously he didn’t say that.

Why? Because he thinks he’s going to run for president. Here’s a newsflash for you, Chris Christie: You are not a national candidate. What you are is a dick from Jersey. You’re just some dick from Jersey. You’re going to get on tv for four or five of the debates along with the other hopeless soon-to-be also-rans, and you’re going to open your dickheaded mouth and say something to make yourself sound like the East Coast asshole that you are and that will be the end of your run. What plays in Jersey like a tough-headed get-things-done kind of guy? Yeah, that’s exactly what makes you seem like a jerk to the rest of the universe. And even if you DID manage to scrape by with a nomination from the Republican party, you would summarily have your ass handed to you by any Democratic candidate, be it Hillary Clinton or whoever they manage to dig up. New Jersey likes you because it can relate to you. The rest of the country thinks we’re all dicks. In your case, they’re right.

An appeal to raise Christie’s in-depth legal argument that “Eww, gay people are icky,” will cost taxpayers. So what you have is our governor going to bat for discriminatory legislation in New Jersey because he thinks it’ll play in the Midwest and the South and get him cred on a national level with his backwards-ass party for his hopeless 2016 run. Have fun paying for that, New Jersey. An issue the Supreme Court—which, if you’ve forgotten, is higher than the NJ State Supreme Court, which is where Christie’s appeal would go—has already ruled on the issue, but yeah, let’s waste everyone’s time and money so that our governor can wind up as a potential fit for some other loser’s cabinet position. Please.

But aside from the needlessness of it, and particularly in light of issues like this, I say let him run. I look forward to watching Christie’s national hopes vaporize. It’ll be a fun way to balance out the years of pension-freezing and rich-people-tax-breaks and all the rest of it. Chris Christie was presented with a real chance to not be a complete dick on this one. It was not an opportunity he was ever going to take. He can say he’s standing up for his convictions and what he believes is right. It’s crap. He doesn’t have convictions, only poll data which he’s apparently too happy to ignore.

See you on the wrong side of history, shithead.

JJ Koczan