Deleted Scenes: Re: The Dickhead

In a way, it feels cheap to dedicate this week’s Deleted Scenes column to New York Congressman Anthony Weiner’s ongoing sex scandal. Not that I think of this as some vaunted space reserved exclusively for such hard-hitting topics as foot-tea, broken windshields and hipsters on milk cartons, but it’s almost too easy to pick on the guy. He took a picture of his junk. He cheated on his wife. His name is Weiner. It pretty much writes itself.

There is one thing about this whole affair I find interesting though, and that is that even Nancy Pelosi has come out and called for his resignation. For what?

He showed his wang to another consenting adult who, according to the transcripts of their emails, actively wanted to see it? Boring!

He cheated on his wife? Reprehensible. Was it with another man? An intern? A high-priced call girl? A republican? No? Boring!

What amazes me most about the Anthony Weiner clusterfuck is that anyone cares at all. This is 2011, people. Where are your standards? Shouldn’t we, as a people, expect more of our lechery?

But putting that aside, the real issue is that whole “calls for resignation” thing. Do I think Anthony Weiner is a scumbag? Oh most definitely. Do I think that makes him any different from thousands of other people in the representative sphere of government, from senators, to congresspeople, on down through state and local governments, town councils and the PTA? Absolutely not.

Do you know what you have to be to win elected office in this country? An egotistical asshole. You have to seriously believe that your opinions are the best course of action not only for yourself, but of nearly everyone around you, to the point where you’re willing to go out and convince others of this “fact,” and you need to do it so much that it’s your career. The thought of what kind of person would actually want that kind of job is enough to boggle the mind, let alone the thought of the people who actually have it. And you’re telling me that Anthony Weiner is the one guy who’s a big enough piece of crap that he should resign?

Go Google “federal political scandals.” The list is long and it goes back to senators trying to help the British take over Florida in 1797. That has to be worse than someone taking a picture of his dong and sending it to some lady who’s not his wife. Anthony Weiner isn’t some deviant sex fiend. He isn’t the bad apple ruining the bunch. He’s an asshole. So what? They’re all assholes. You don’t get the job if you’re not the kind of person who cheats on his wife, accepts illegal gifts, or—like Weiner’s fellow NY Representative Daniel Sickles in 1859—shoots and kills the Washington D.C. district attorney because you found out he was sleeping with your wife and gets off by being the first person to successfully plead temporary insanity. These are our chosen representatives. They speak for us. Are they the best option? No, but the people who are the best option are too busy leading real lives to do this kind of bullshit work.

Anthony Weiner’s no more of a hypocrite than any of them, and I’m sure any number of the same outcriers on either side of the aisle who are now calling loudly for his resignation have done worse. So I say let him stay. Let him “go to rehab” for who knows what until this whole thing blows over and then let him go back and do his crummy job. Because if he stands there at a podium in the House Of Representatives and serves as a reminder of what dipshits those people are, he’s doing more of a public service than most.

Taking pictures of my junk,

JJ Koczan