“MAYBE NO PERFUME TONIGHT…”
…Because the worse I smell, the less likely some strange dude will try to sniff my fucking hair and grind up on my ass while I’m stuck with my camera, unable to move between the stage barricade and his boner. (Just kidding, creeps don’t actually care how bad you smell.)
“I CAN’T WEAR THIS…”
…Because my tits look great and my ass looks fat and a court of law will tell me I was asking for it if some guy three times my size drags me into a bathroom stall or alley after the opening act.
“ONLY BEER TONIGHT, IF ANYTHING…”
…Because a beer is easier to watch than anything served in a glass, and harder to spike. I can hold my thumb over the hole for added protection against date rape.
“I HOPE SO-AND-SO TEXTS ME BACK, I CAN’T GO ALONE…”
…Because the buddy system saves lives, ya’ll.
“DO I HAVE MY…”
…Keys, wallet, phone, pepper spray, lipstick knife, self-defense gouging keychain that looks like a cute little pink kitty cat head? Oh and my ChapStick. I can’t forget that, what a disaster that would be.
“I WONDER WHICH ONE OF MY INTERVIEWS IS GONNA ASSUME I’M A GROUPIE TONIGHT…”
…Because if I’m a woman and I’m backstage, IT MUST BE FOR DICK.
“I’M GONNA LOOK LIKE A PSYCHO IF I HAVE TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF TONIGHT…”
…Because groping my ass is totally fine but when I publicly humiliate you at the bar by calling you out and shaming you, some douche is gonna upload the iPhone footage to YouTube as ‘crazy bitch yells at dude in bar for calling her cute for 18 minutes.’
“IF I WEAR THESE HEELS…”
…I will be able to see over all the tall bros, but I will be catcalled to hell and beyond and back again. But, do I wanna see though?
“WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS…?”
…Because if I don’t keep myself looking extremely busy, I will be approached by someone I don’t want to talk to. Oh my, soooo busy. So very, very busy. And getting approached anyway. Awesome.
“HOW MANY SPORTS BRAS…”
…Do I need to wear in order to dance and not get stared at? Because I have four, and I will wear them all at once if necessary.
“CAN I TRUST THE PERSON I’M WITH…”
…If I get drunk tonight? Because sometimes your go-to show buddy can’t hang, and you have to start calling random people in your contacts just to avoid going alone, which can be equally as dangerous as going with basically a stranger.
“I HOPE THERE’S ON-SITE PARKING…”
…Because the amount of horrific things that can happen to a woman walking alone or otherwise, at night or otherwise, is fucking staggering and yet we will forever sound as though we’re complaining but like…?????? Seriously?????
This is me, this is your sister. Your girlfriend, your best friend. The struggle is, quite fucking literally, real. Stop being shitty and we’ll stop embarrassing you in public. Please and thank you.