Okay, readers. I’ve tried to never steer you wrong, and this month’s column is something that some of you really, really need to not only read, but internalize while reevaluating your bullshit personas. And I say that out of love. A lot of you are talented and promising…but you act like cold turds. Let me help you help yourselves.

Rock & Roll is not what it was; that’s not so great, clearly, but it’s not so bad either. This may be a hard concept for some of you to grasp, but I would like you to try. Perhaps the best way to get the scene off of life support is to stop the behaviors and practices that put it in the fucking coma in the first place.

Pause here to change your underwear if necessary.

So many of the ideals that seem to form the “perfect rock star” are outdated and unnecessary, not to mention downright atrocious. I have examined the majority of them, and I feel like these are the top three Rock & Roll ideologies that need to just…go away.

1. STOP GETTING TOO FUCKED UP TO PLAY.

If you got someone to pay the $10 cover to see your band, let alone multiple people, plural, well shit. Congrats. Don’t let them down. Pretty sure it wasn’t cool in the ’70s, ’80s, or ’90s when your heroes did it, either. If you’re young, it looks cool in videos on YouTube years after, because you weren’t alive when they toured. If you remember those days, you remember paying what, at the time, was sort of a lot of money to watch someone you at one point looked up to pass out and piss their pants. That’s not punk. No one’s gonna hear your big message if you’re overdosed in the fucking bathroom. But your heroes! They made lasting impressions! Right. Most of them, for dying young. Or somehow surviving, but they’re so out of touch now that they’re hardly even relevant. Be better than them. Do what they couldn’t.

2. STOP BEING SHITTY TO YOUR FANS.

The music industry is in the tubes and as a musician, you are pretty much up shit’s creek without a paddle. Some of you, without even a boat. You can’t get away with being a giant piece of shit anymore without a multimillion-dollar contract from a label backing you up. If you don’t move a few CDs or the vinyl you almost had to sell a kidney to make happen, you don’t eat. You don’t have gas money to get home. If no one wants to wear your shirts because they don’t want to be associated with assholes, womanizers, criminals, or skidmarks…you suffer. If no one wants to come to your shows (maybe because you get too fucked up to play), you can bet the one person you do play to won’t be a talent scout. Grow up, get real, and be nice. You depend on these people. It’s really not difficult to be gracious.

3. STOP ASSUMING EVERY WOMAN WHO STAYS FOR YOUR SET IS A GROUPIE.

It is fucking difficult getting respect as a female music journalist, let alone as a female in general. So many times, it’s been myself and some other dude with a camera and notepad from some other publication; he says he’s there to write a review and get a sound bite and the bassist is all like, “Yeah man, let’s sit down and talk!” When I say the same, the drummer puts his hand on the small of my back, unwanted, and asks me if that’s all I’m here for. Like…fuck you. Stop saying, “This song is for all the sluts.” Stop hitting on obviously underage girls or grossly disinterested women. Your mother is in the audience, for shit’s sake. Sure, your idols got a lot of tail. They also got a lot of chlamydia—they had the cash for medication. Seeing as you can’t get anyone to buy your shit on iTunes, I’m willing to bet you don’t. Do you hear any of the women who fucked members of Ratt bragging about it now? I don’t. Bottom line, it’s not attractive to about 90 percent of women. Not because they’re frigid feminists, but because you’re a shitlord and we see through the bravado to the fact that the deep V-neck you’re wearing is the only deep V you’ll be getting if you keep the crap up.

 

Please keep your egos and attitudes in check, and please pass this along to anyone else you may feel needs it. Also, please keep in touch to contribute, discuss, or ask. I like hearing from ya’s. FACEBOOK.COM/MEDIOXCORE

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